


Bits and Pieces

by snowvee



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Multi, Suicide, i will add tags as this goes, oneshots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-09
Updated: 2017-06-09
Packaged: 2018-11-11 11:44:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11147712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowvee/pseuds/snowvee
Summary: A collection of oneshot stories focusing on the characters of Dear Evan Hansen.





	Bits and Pieces

**Author's Note:**

> !!trigger warning!!: suicidal thoughts and actions! please take care!

It wasn’t that high up. Sure, the drop was extreme, but once he had climbed up there it was almost reassuring. Connor was standing on the bridge closest to his hometown, his feet teetering on the edge below the railing. He didn’t know what time it was, he just knew it was dark enough for the city lights to reflect in a gorgeous glow upon the oceanic view that spanned beneath the bridge.  
It was almost peaceful.  
Almost.  
He remembered a day from his childhood. A day that wasn’t marred with acrimony or misery. Another day when he hadn’t been afraid of heights. 

_The Murphy’s had gone on a summer road trip. They were residing in a wooden house along the shoreline, isolated in a wide expanse of dense vegetation. That weekend was a good weekend in his memory, at least most of it was. He was too young to have begun to fuck things up in his signature way, too young to hurt and inflict pain. Zoe and him were still best friends._

Now it seemed the only thing him and Zoe had in common was the shared blood that ran through their veins. But maybe Connor had bled enough for the both of them. Now, maybe Zoe could be rid of the poison within her. 

_That day Connor’s parents had slept in late. Zoe had shaken his arm awake, a light of youthful excitement in her eyes. Her sense for adventure was infectious, and with a few exchanged whispers they had a plan. They dressed hurriedly, the buzz of sneaking out vibrating in them. Connor remembered helping Zoe tie back a strand of bouncy curls in a hot pink scrunchie. They crept through the still house, giggling with one another and freezing when the ancient wood creaked beneath their feet. Connor opened the back door. And then they were gone._

It was chilly. It was colder at higher altitudes, he had learned that in some science class from years ago. He clutched the metal railing, the icy silver bar sending chills across his skin instantly. He didn’t mind. He hadn’t felt anything in awhile. Besides, it wasn’t like he would get to feel much anymore. 

_It was warm. They stumbled through trees and vegetation together, Connor leading the way. He paved a safe pathway for his sister. She trusted him to do so. He could remember the strong scent of the pine and the warmth of sun that breached through the trees. Although they chatted the whole climb, he couldn't remember what they were discussing. He just recalled the chiming bells of her laugh, innocent and bubbly._

Connor stared across the water. The wind whipped across his face, grabbing at loose strands of hair and whisking them around and blocking his vision. He wasn’t sure how high up the bridge was. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to know. 

_They eventually reached the climax of their plan. After hiking upwards for what seemed like forever to short child legs, they reached the upper parts of the cliffs. The sun was welcoming and bright, causing Zoe to squint to capture the view. Connor’s legs carried him closer to the edge. The drop wasn’t that much, surely, but from up high it was a lot more intimidating. Zoe had turned to him, her expression hesitant. They had originally wanted to jump off together, and to splash into the lake below. They had been swimming in the lake all weekend, but the thrill of the leap was enticing and new. Zoe was staring at him with her wide, doe eyes. Connor peered over the edge. For some reason, the butterflies in his stomach settled. He wanted to be brave. He was brave._

Connor wasn’t brave. Something had broke inside of him a long, long time ago. He wanted to believe he tried his best to fix himself. Somewhere in between the moments of rage and mania, he had been crying out for help. But no one was listening. 

_He could do this. The wind rustled his hair, the sun encouraging him from overhead. He motioned for Zoe to stand next to him at the peak of the cliff. The water was so still beneath them. Zoe looked up at him expectantly. They had planned on jumping in together. Now he wasn’t so sure she was going to follow. But he couldn't back down now._

He had severed every tie in his life. He uncontrollably inflicted physical or emotional suffering upon everyone in his wake, including himself. He knew this, yet was never strong enough to stop it. Until now. He had the power to put an end to it.  
He had the power to put an end to everything.

_On the edge, everything quieted. His mind was still, and he was grounded by the sound of his own pulse pounding in his ears. The view was beautiful. The lake a shimmering mirror, the trees that lined the perimeter reflected on the surface. Connor felt a strong urge to be a part of something beautiful, even if it meant shattering the serenity._

It was strange, really. How his mind was finally quiet only when he was staring death in the face. 

_He inhaled, gathering as much air as he could in his little lungs. And then he stepped off._

This was it. This moment of memory would pass, and soon he would too be a memory. If anyone even remembered him. He gripped the railing tighter, his knuckles whiter than the snowy paleness of his skin tone. His eyes searched the horizon, scanning for nothing in particular. The wind had ceased, an occasion in time of pure calm.

_He was falling, falling through the air and then he hit the water. Immediately he was rushed with a cooling sensation, the lake engulfing him in its watery depths. Water flooded his ears and his senses were blocked in all directions. He had expected an adrenaline rush, a splash, and a race to swim out of the lake and towards the shore. However, it was completely different. He was suspended in a weightless force, and everything was tranquil. He was drowning in the silence, but he was at peace. He stayed underwater until his lungs ached. Only when he felt him losing grip on his body was when he kicked upwards frantically, breaking the surface with a sharp inhale. As soon as he had breathed in air, he felt displaced. He yearned for that feeling of suspension, that overwhelming sense of imperturbability. When his eyes adjusted to the blazing sunlight, he saw Zoe on the shoreline. Waiting for him._

Connor hoped that when he stepped off this edge things would be different. No one, not even Zoe, would be waiting on the shore for him. So why bother coming up? The scenery remained motionless before him. He could still become a part of something greater, but this time not only for a moment. This time he wouldn’t rupture the surface. He would feel his lungs burn out inside of his chest. This time Connor would disappear within the depths. He longed for those moments of pure clarity. It was time.  
Connor inhaled his final breath.  
And he stepped off the edge.

**Author's Note:**

> Just a quick story I had some inspiration to write. I don't know when I'll add to this, just whenever I get a brief moment of motivation for something other than the main fic I'm working on currently. Thank you for reading, kudos and comments are greatly appreciated! have a lovely day/night friends :)


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